I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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