First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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