I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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