i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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