When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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