Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
