woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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