Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
