U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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