just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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