I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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