My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
