Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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