Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
