Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.