I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
