The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sext me about skeletons
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
