i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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