cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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