I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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