hotel room ftw
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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