hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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