I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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