Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
