Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
