I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
