he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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