At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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