i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
