I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
