Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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