When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize