My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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