I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
As shirtless as possible
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
