I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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