So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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