just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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