I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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