i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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