We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
