And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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