Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
