i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
