i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
