literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
