I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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