I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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