got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
