Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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