I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
