Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
