Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
