I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
